Saturday, August 29, 2009

Bill Simmons can't think of a topic to write about

Here is the latest 'column' from Bill Simmons. This is part of why I can't stand him. He doesn't have an idea for a column, so he decides to feed his ego by reading and answering a ton of questions from his readers. Now I'm all for a popular columnist responding to readers' questions publicly, but why not answer a couple at the start and/or end of a column? I don't want to read an entire column of him responding to people trying to tickle his balls with funny ideas.

This is just scratching the surface of what is wrong with the self-proclaimed Sports Guy. Although it seems to me he has no expert qualifications: 1) He never played any sport professionally or in college 2) His extent in the comedy business is writing for Jimmy Kimmel. And yet, he considers himself an expert on both sports and pop culture. My problem with him is not that he has opinions. I love writers who actually write what they think and that is one reason why Simmons is entertaining; he really doesn't censor himself. However, he states his opinions like they are facts and should not be disputed. For instance, here's one response in his 'column.'

"Q: I was recently waiting on line in the grocery store looking at magazine covers when I discovered that apparently Kelly Ripa has A-cups. This brought to mind an intriguing question: Who are the five hottest female celebrities without much up top? I didn't even know where to begin, but I knew you would deliver the goods for me. Also, should we call them The A-Cup All-Stars, or perhaps just The A-Team?

-- Vroom, Waldwick, N.J.

SG: I love "The A-Team." Perfect. Our 2009 A-Team All-Stars: Kelly Ripa, Kate Moss, Keira Knightley and team captain Natalie Portman. This list should be released like the NFL All-Pro team every December. I'd also enjoy the B-Team, the C-Team, the D-Team and the DD-Team. These are the kind of ideas that give me hope for the next decade with the Internet: There are still a ton of great boob-related ideas out there. Wait, am I saying this out loud?"

See how BS just proclaims the A-Team exists. He doesn't offer his suggestions. He just states what the team is. It's not open for argument. Why does he do this? Because Simmons is an egotistical elitist douche bag. It would also be nice if the ratio of non-Boston related sports to all sports talked about was less than 90/10. Of course then it wouldn't be the Simmons we love though.

One other thought: how often does he come out with a new podcast instead of a new column and use that as excuse for why he hasn't written a new column (the hey I just uploaded a podcast defense). Bill Simmons has a voice for print; not a voice for radio. He sounds like he has a deviated septum wider than when Moses parted the seas. Please keep your nasally voice off the podcast airwaves and stick to actually WRITING. If you didn't bring so much traffic to I'm sure they would have dropped your pompous ass long ago.

Also, stop twittering. You are a 40 year old man for gods sake. Don't you have a family? Do they have to suffer while you twitter at the dinner table and laugh privately at whatever you're reading? Simmons is trying his very hardest to turn himself into a celebrity by constantly giving himself credit as being the most genius mind to have thought of ideas ever. Let's please not feed his Jupiter sized ego.


  1. I was forwarded here from Deadspin, and have enjoyed the posts I've read. I take issue with this one a bit. The criticism of the mail bags is just, so is the lack of qualifications, but you couldn't come up with a better example? He's a writer, and he's supposed to write with conviction. Would you rather him say "I like Kelly Ripa, who else do you think belongs on this list?" That would be ridiculous b/c then he might as well just print the e-mails. His added opinion makes this something I might actually discuss with other people, as opposed to something that I forget.

    Now as for twittering, I have no defense for him on that. It's quite ridiculous and needs to stop.

  2. do you understand that without bill simmons this wouldn't exist. he is the first premier sports blogger. do u also not understand that the mailbag is somethign he has done for a long time. you are the retarded ones. simmons is entertaining son. and it is actually what he thinks. also, please learn english. How is I love the A team not his opinion. He then suggests the inagarual class. I actually appreciate the mailbag because he credits his readers. He doesn't take credit at all. How is he egotistical. He gives the credit and has adopted some of his readers ideas but always credits them. That would be the opposite of egotistical

  3. Ha ha AWESOME. Great post. I don't agree 100% but you are right on the money with the 40 year old pretending he's 25 and tweeting away.
    Also I laughed in disbelief the first time I heard one of his podcasts...that thin puny prepubescent voice. Yuck! He definitely has a voice for writing.
    Lastly, AMEN to him having no athletic experiences to draw upon while writing his "columns" which never actually get written as real columns..don't get me started.

  4. i agree with this eapnfail website...but leave simmons alone...he also dislikes ESPN and will leave once his contract is up

  5. Simmons gets old sometimes with the Boston stuff, but he better than any other hack on espn. I think your reasons for hating him are weak.

    How should be post his opinions? Put them up for a vote? Say "This is what I think/This is my opinion" before every paragraph? How old would that get?

    Who cares if he hasn't played sports? Like most of us he has been a fan for a long time. I don't look for him to tell what it's like in the huddle, I read him to see what he thinks as a fan. Do you really like the exjock "experts" for their in depth knowledge?

    Along those same lines, have you ever ran a multibillion dollar entertainment company? If not how can you run a web site bashing ESPN? I like what you are doing here but using the "they have never done this and are therefore an idiot" is lazy, especially when you could nail them for the real crap they do/say.

  6. Simmons sucks.... lost all respect for him after the Colts won the Super Bowl and he refused to acknowledge his whipping boy Peyton finally getting over the hump.

  7. the biggest problem with espn is schtu scott.

    boo ya.