Bill Simmons can't think of a topic to write about

Here is the latest 'column' from Bill Simmons. This is part of why I can't stand him. He doesn't have an idea for a column, so he decides to feed his ego by reading and answering a ton of questions from his readers. Now I'm all for a popular columnist responding to readers' questions publicly, but why not answer a couple at the start and/or end of a column? I don't want to read an entire column of him responding to people trying to tickle his balls with funny ideas.

This is just scratching the surface of what is wrong with the self-proclaimed Sports Guy. Although it seems to me he has no expert qualifications: 1) He never played any sport professionally or in college 2) His extent in the comedy business is writing for Jimmy Kimmel. And yet, he considers himself an expert on both sports and pop culture. My problem with him is not that he has opinions. I love writers who actually write what they think and that is one reason why Simmons is entertaining; he really doesn't censor himself. However, he states his opinions like they are facts and should not be disputed. For instance, here's one response in his 'column.'

"Q: I was recently waiting on line in the grocery store looking at magazine covers when I discovered that apparently Kelly Ripa has A-cups. This brought to mind an intriguing question: Who are the five hottest female celebrities without much up top? I didn't even know where to begin, but I knew you would deliver the goods for me. Also, should we call them The A-Cup All-Stars, or perhaps just The A-Team?

-- Vroom, Waldwick, N.J.

SG: I love "The A-Team." Perfect. Our 2009 A-Team All-Stars: Kelly Ripa, Kate Moss, Keira Knightley and team captain Natalie Portman. This list should be released like the NFL All-Pro team every December. I'd also enjoy the B-Team, the C-Team, the D-Team and the DD-Team. These are the kind of ideas that give me hope for the next decade with the Internet: There are still a ton of great boob-related ideas out there. Wait, am I saying this out loud?"

See how BS just proclaims the A-Team exists. He doesn't offer his suggestions. He just states what the team is. It's not open for argument. Why does he do this? Because Simmons is an egotistical elitist douche bag. It would also be nice if the ratio of non-Boston related sports to all sports talked about was less than 90/10. Of course then it wouldn't be the Simmons we love though.

One other thought: how often does he come out with a new podcast instead of a new column and use that as excuse for why he hasn't written a new column (the hey I just uploaded a podcast defense). Bill Simmons has a voice for print; not a voice for radio. He sounds like he has a deviated septum wider than when Moses parted the seas. Please keep your nasally voice off the podcast airwaves and stick to actually WRITING. If you didn't bring so much traffic to ESPN.com I'm sure they would have dropped your pompous ass long ago.

Also, stop twittering. You are a 40 year old man for gods sake. Don't you have a family? Do they have to suffer while you twitter at the dinner table and laugh privately at whatever you're reading? Simmons is trying his very hardest to turn himself into a celebrity by constantly giving himself credit as being the most genius mind to have thought of ideas ever. Let's please not feed his Jupiter sized ego.

Buck Showalter solves what no one thought was a problem

I'm utterly convinced that baseball managers are the most useless coaches in the four major sports. Not that this was any sort of revelation, but Buck Showalter proved to me this weekend just how dumb managers can be. Either that, or whatever intelligence he had was vacuumed out of his brain when he signed his contract with ESPN. Probably a bit of both.

Anyhow, I turn on Baseball Tonight on Saturday to find Steve Berthiaume and Buck discussing MLB divisional realignment. "The Reds and the Pirates play 10 more times this season. I don't want to watch them play 10 more times this season. The Red Sox and Yankees play 18 times this year..how do we restore fairness to scheduling?" asks Berthiaume (I paraphrase slightly).

Apparently this is some huge problem - baseball teams don't all play the same schedule!!! "This is one of my pet peeves and everybody in the field and the stands," says Buck. Grammatical errors aside, I don't think I've ever had a discussion about how unfair the baseball schedule is (nor any other pro league schedule for that matter).

During the segment, Buck made it clear that he didn't care for divisional play, and so he introduced a new plan that's supposed to be like the NFL and NBA in "getting rid of the American and National Leagues." I don't even know what that's supposed to mean, but the new schedule is basically the exact opposite of NFL and NBA schedules (and more like the Premier League schedule). Anyway, Buck wants to reshuffle the teams and form 4 new divisions of 7 teams each. Yes, Buck's masterful plan is contingent on contracting two teams! Who does Buck suggest should be contracted? The Marlins and the Rays, for some asinine reason. Never mind that the Marlins are getting a new fucking stadium. In the new schedule, the 28 teams would play each other 6 times each - 3 home, 3 road - for the sake of "fairness," of course.

For extra flair, the 4 new divisions would be named after baseball legends. Guess which ones they are: Robinson, Clemente, Ruth and Aaron (why baseball has such a compulsion to name everything after these 4 people is absurd). Buck made a big point of "preserving regional rivalries" in the new divisions. Of course, it was completely lost on Buck that regional rivalries don't mean shit when every team in the whole league plays each other the exact same amount of times. If every team plays 6 games against the other 27, there's no need for divisions!

Buck made a big point about how well the new divisions are set up "time-zone wise." Buck, you dumbass, time zones don't matter in this system because every team plays each other the same amount of times!

If you just read this, and said "What the fuck?" well, I don't blame you. I said the same thing on Saturday night. Just know that this is easily the most retarded segment I've seen on ESPN since Who's Now.

Shut the fuck up Rick Reilly

Rick Reilly's latest column is about the Williams sisters. I beg you to read the first couple paragraphs here:


"What if I told you about two white brothers from a trailer park on the tattooed side of the tracks? Their father decides -- against all logic -- to teach them a rich man's sport, golf, even though he's a complete chop himself. They become great on the weedy public courses, turn pro and dominate the sport. Just wipe the Tour up. Golf harrumphs in disbelief.

Then the two brothers grow disinterested with golf and get into motorcycle building. They nearly stop playing altogether.Then they grow disinterested with being disinterested and decide, What the hell, let's go thump again. So they crush all new saps, until it's obvious nearly every major is going to be won by one or the other.

Preposterous?

Well, change their color to black, their sex to female and their sport to tennis, and you have the Williams sisters, who now have 18 majors between them -- 11 for Serena and seven for Venus. Eighteen! If this were golf, Serena would be tied with Walter Hagen for third, and Venus would be tied with Bobby Jones, Arnold Palmer, Sam Snead and others for seventh. From one family, one coach, one house in Compton. It's the single most underplayed story in American sports in the past 25 years. Where's their postage stamp?"

What the fuck are you talking about? Did you just create a 2 paragraph analogy so retarded that it couldn't possibly refer to anything except to perfectly match up with the scenario the Williams sisters went through? Then of course he saves it by saying 'change the color to black and the sex to female and the sport to tennis' !!! Wow what a brilliant story you just weaved for us Poet Laureate Reilly!

He claims that this is the "most underplayed story in sports" How ridiculous is that statement? First of all, the Williams sisters are quite famous. ESPN covers them all the time. They covered Serena when she wore that t-shirt that said 'can you see my titles?' Please Rick, the most underplayed story in sports is something we probably haven't heard of. Why? BECAUSE IT'S UNDERPLAYED. You know what I think a great story is: Nick Swisher's emotional impact on the Yankees clubhouse. I think he (with a little help from AJ Burnett and his pies to the faces) has helped transform them into a happy team again. Why hasn't this been a story? That could be the most underplayed story in sports! The Yankees have the best record in baseball. I haven't seen any Yankees specials this year except when they play the Sawx. Yes I'm a Yankees fan and I'm biased, but to say this is the most underplayed story in sports is a bit of hyperbole isn't it Ol' Riles?

And quite frankly, how can you possibly like the Williams sisters? How about the fact that they play each other so much in the finals because they're both so good, but they never have good matches? They're always blowouts because the sisters confess it's hard for them to want to beat the other. Where is the competitive fire there? These should be epic sisterly clashes. I don't want to watch one roll over and give up after the first couple games.

Also, I think they are both underachievers. Everyone knows they are by far the most talented players in the game, and they have plenty of majors to show for it. However, they are nowhere near approaching the records of the great women players of the past. I would argue this is because they don't care enough about tennis. They're too busy modeling and starting other careers to care. Sweet lord you could put a cup of coffee on that ass, but while she's modeling for that picture I think Justine Henin just won 3 majors. Whoops look how the time flies!

Reilly points this out as their greatness. They can take time off and come back and still be great. I would contend that this makes them the opposite of admirable. They have no drive to make history. Yes, they have done a lot for African Americans playing tennis already, but I don't think they have the same kind of fire that drives say, Roger Federer. Rick, I hope you die choking on Serena's giant black cock.

Are you serious, Matthew Berry?

This article was a headline on ESPN mobile today. Being an avid fantasy football participant, I decided to check it out but was instead bombarded by a million plugs to play on ESPN. The unnecessary and blatant attempts to promote ESPN's fantasy leagues drowned out any legitimate insight of superdweeb Matthew Berry. By reading this article, I am curious how many royalties he gets per ESPN mention. Here are some of the many:


Now remember, we play with at least two [wide recievers] , with the option of adding a third in an ESPN standard league.

- OK, you can't do the same in a non-ESPN league?


First, I highly recommend an auction. The argument against was always that to do it correctly everyone needed to be in the same room. Now, thanks to our auction draft software, that's no longer a concern.


Try it once and you'll be hooked. And if you've never tried, you can do it now in our free, mock auction lobby.

- Wow, ESPN saved my life now that they have auction-competent software

Second, where are you playing out the league? You know I am a company man, so I'll just merely mention that everything you want or need for your league is here and free on ESPN.com. And here's the thing. I've played on other sites. I'm not trashing other sites. But, and I am being honest here, the best experience is on ESPN.com. And if you don't believe me, it's because you haven't tried it recently.

Look, it's 100 percent free to play. So if your long-term league has been playing elsewhere, set up a second "mirror league" here on ESPN. A taste test, if you will. And just see which one you like better. It costs you nothing except maybe an hour to set up the second league and, considering how much time you spend on your league every year, don't you want the best experience? The most fun, the most timely injury updates, the most tools in the game, the easiest interface, etc etc. Just try it. And if you hate it, I'll shut up. I promise.

- Really, you're a company man? Also, I'm actually going to set up the same exact league on two websites? I'm sorry I have a real life.


Obviously, you should be reading as much as possible. I would be checking ESPN.com at least once a day. Read the articles, listen to our daily podcasts, watch our daily videocast and stop by our twice-daily chats. I highly recommend our free mobile alerts, and for those who want even more of an edge you should sign up for ESPN Insider (or get yourself a Rotopass, which includes Insider as well as access to some other great fantasy sites).

- This is where the ESPN employee bonus comes in - I count half a dozen different features

Either way, knowledge is power. The more you know -- about players, lineups, injuries, sleepers, coaching changes, schedules, bye weeks, etc. -- the better shape you are in.


First, get yourself an up-to-the minute depth chart for every team in the NFL. We have a really good, easy-to-print version in our ESPN.com draft kit, and they will be updated throughout the preseason. But whomever's you like, print them out and bring them with you.

- A depth chart is a depth chart Berry...

By the way, if it's a salary cap/auction league -- did I mention you can now do auctions on ESPN.com for free? -- I also have a place to see how much money they have left. Those of you with laptops can have a spreadsheet do all this for you, obviously (or if you are using ESPN.com Auction Draft Lobby, we do it for you). If it's a keeper league with a salary cap, you start with how much money they have left for how many positions to fill.

- Did I mention you suck?

And finally,

Don't be shy! We're here to listen, to advise, to commiserate and to help here at ESPN.com. Again, stop by our chats and our message boards, e-mail our columnists. Send in questions to our daily Fantasy Focus podcast, videocast or our twice-daily chats (and three-hour chats on Sunday morning). It's a long season and we're gonna be there every step of the way with you.

- One more plug! Keep Matthew Berry amused at work!


To spite ESPN, I am using Yahoo for all of my fantasy teams in the future.

Brett Favre, Ron Mexico, and Turd Ferguson

Surely ESPN has gotten the message by now.  In SportsCenter's groundbreaking "Bud Light Freeze Frame" segment, a photo of Favre's return came in a distant third (just over 21% of the vote) this week behind - guess what! - Tiger losing and Bolt setting the WR in the 100 meter dash.  Thanks, SportsNation! 

By the way, I can't help but piggyback on Kyle's recent post reminding us of Michael Vick's priceless hotel alias: Ron Mexico.  When it comes to picking aliases, there are definitely some classics - check out the 2005 Yankees.

-RW