Bryon Russell: Expert on American Society

Thanks to the always reliable and caring idiots I call my landlords, I finally have power and cable in my apartment. Kudos to KZ and DD for picking up the slack in the last couple weeks.

The first program I watched upon receiving Comcast Digital Cable? Outside the Lines with Bob Ley! And yes, Bob asked the following question of Bryon Russell - better known as the dude who Jordan pushed away before his "last shot" against the Jazz in '98: "Is civility a problem in America?"

Bob - love the integrity - but stick to asking Bryon Russell questions about MJ and not his opinion on Joe Wilson and tennis stars cursing. Whatever the hell he's doing now (apparently an NBA comeback?) does not qualify him as the next Jesse Jackson. Nor do I give a crap what Byron Russell says.

More to come in the next couple days.

UPDATE: My bad. As a commenter noted, it's Bryon, not Byron Russell. I'll tell myself that my oversight reinforces my point that anything Bryon Russell says in the future will be ultimately forgettable.

ESPN's Trent Dilfer buddies up to Michael Crabtree

Trent Dilfer, best known for being the ugly and shitty quarterback of the Super Bowl winning Ravens earlier this decade, proves that a team can win essentially on defense alone. Now he's just another former terrible football player (Hi Tim Hasselbeck!) doing analysis for ESPN. ProFootballTalk reported that he had a lovely throwing session with Michael Crabtree, during which he determined that Mr. Crabtree looked good and was ready for the season. Now the purpose of the article was to suggest that Crabtree is about to give in and sign with the 49ers. However, ESPNfail wants to highlight a different part of the article. Here's the depressing line:

"Dilfer said he did not discuss the lingering holdout with Crabtree."

Wait a minute, hasn't Crabtree's primadonna-ness this summer been a big story? He fucked up getting other draft picks immediately after him signed because he was a baby and felt he deserved more money. Keep in mind this is a guy coming off surgery and HASN'T PLAYED AN NFL DOWN YET. I wonder why Dilfer didn't ask him the tough question though. Maybe it's because ESPN sees potential in Crabtree, a 2 time Biletnikoff winner, as a future star of the league they surely would not want to alienate. That would reduce their access to him and you definitely don't wanna get on an athlete's bad side as an analyst! Fuck you Trent Dilfer. I hope you die choking on your undeserved Super Bowl ring.

THANK SWEET 8 POUND 7 OUNCE BABY JESUS

We don't need a link for this one. Just head on over to ESPN's homepage to see Vick-related articles littered everywhere. ESPN now has a story-feeder for the entire season! They've struck journalistic oil! Future headlines to come:

Vick: 'just happy to be here'

Vick (or McGwire): 'I'm not here to talk about the past'

(by week 4): Is it Still McNabb's Team?

(by week 8 after the obligatory McNabb oblique strain): 2nd Chance Well Worth the Wait

Bill Simmons piece on how he's happy Vick got a 2nd chance, but would refuse to support the Pats signing him

Rick Reilly piece complaining about something

and by season's end: Vick Travels to Mexico to [legally] bet on Cockfighting

The 2009-2010 season just got a whole lot more interesting...

This sounds familiar

GM Thompson won't rule out Vick

At this point, only quotes are necessary.

"Asked whether Green Bay might be interested in the scandal-tainted quarterback, general manager Ted Thompson didn't rule it out Tuesday.

But that doesn't necessarily mean the Packers are in hot pursuit of Vick.

'What is the answer that we give to questions like this? We're always looking to improve our team,' [GM Ted] Thompson said. 'We look at all options at all times. I wouldn't care to speculate in terms of the odds or the percentages [of signing Vick] or anything like that.'

But they've at least discussed Vick internally?

'We look at everything,' Thompson said."

Like I said, GMs and coaches are always "looking to make the team better" or "working with the players they have on the roster." Thanks for the headline ESPN.

DD

Weekend Update: We have no idea if Michael Vick is joining the Patriots

Sorry for the quiet weekend everyone but I couldn't sleep last night after I saw this article posted on ESPN.com Friday. Let's ignore the fact that this was the top story for a few hours.

The first two sentences truly sum up this fail:

"New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick won't rule out the chance the team will sign quarterback Michael Vick."

However,

"He's not saying it's a possibility, either."

OK, so if Belichick didn't say yes or no, then this is not a news story. In other words, there is nothing to report. Most coaches use quotes such as, "We're coaching the players that we have on the field right now, so that's who is here. So, anybody who isn't here, is there potential that they could be here? Yeah, there probably is. But right now they're not" when asked about potential signings. I think we've been hit by ESPN's perfect storm of Patriots' love, Michael Vick supercoverage, and trying to make a headline out of nothing.

The incredible factcheckers in Bristol then reported that Michael Vick had a workout in Foxboro. Those rumors were quickly proved false. Now, according to this morning's news, it looks like Cleo Lemon was that shifty QB trying out Friday.

Any intelligent sports fan asks the question "why would arguably the best team in the NFL with the best quarterback in the league take a chance on the man recently voted the most hated in sports?" We see this crap on ESPN and sigh because some less-aware sports fans actually think Michael Vick may sign with the Pats.

Fail thee well ESPN.

DD

Our first post

Greetings sports fans out there who have grown out of the diarrhea that ESPN spews each day. We promise to update frequently and keep our readers aware of every egregious offense that ESPN commits each day. Stay tuned for our official welcome message, but in the meantime, let us dive right into the shit.

My oh my this just writes itself. Please take a gander at this article about a story that ESPN covers religiously: the Greek tragedy that is the Michael Vick story.

First of all, why is it news that Michael Vick is "getting close"
to signing with a team? This is nothing more than ESPN glorifying a rumor. Yeah, I'm getting close to choosing what I want for dinner. What the fuck does that mean? If there is no decision, then ESPN has no business putting this on their pitiful excuse for a website as news. In addition, please look closely at the two headlines in this article. The article is titled

"Vick 'close' to finding new team"

However, it seems John Clayton, the resident NFL
brainiac who looks like he has one foot in the grave
already, has a different take on the matter:

Clayton: Vick Not Close To Any Deal

Please tell me these aren't on the same page...oh wait THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THEY ARE. This was an article by the Associated Press. If ESPN were to consider it newsworthy, which they obviously do, then all they had to do was title it correctly. They even couldn't manage to do that.

And with that, we have our first ESPNfail

KZ & DD